I don’t need to Flirt, I will Seduce you with my Awkwardness
From keeping an in-depth dating Excel spreadsheet for evaluating his dates, pretending to be an Israeli spy to arming himself with a slew of weapons, including two crossbows and a rifle, and allegedly burning down his ex-girlfriend’s parents house there’s no shortage of press coverage when it comes to wacky dating behavior.
I always thought dating sites are a good place to meet interesting people that you wouldn’t have met otherwise. It’s true. You will definitely be surprised how many “interesting” people you can meet all in one place.
It’s quite incredible what people do and say on the dating sites now. Somehow the anonymous nature of the internet is interpreted by so many (guys on dating sites, in this case) as a permission to act without any boundaries.
Anyway, here is my collection of dating gems – from funny to bizarre. (proceed with caution, as things get increasingly worse)
Alright, let’s get things off on the right foot shall we? I’m an a__hole. Yeap, you heard me right. An a-hole. I’ll admit it, most things in life piss me off, but hey I’m honest right? That’s gotta count for something.
Ok so let’s see here, what else should I say about myself to get a date? Ohhhh, here we go. Got it. Ladies!! I’m spontaneous!! That’s right! Look no further! You’ve found that SPONTANEOUS guy you are all looking for. What the f#&k does spontaneity have to do with a good partner?? Jesus! If I had a nickel for every profile that is looking for a spontaneous guy, I could buy myself a brand new mango peeler.
Ok, I’m not calling you “Dr.” unless you have a license to practice medicine. In other words, if you can’t write me a prescription, it ain’t gonna happen. Just because you know everything about the reproductive system of plants, or the irrigation system leading to China’s economic development in the middle ages, doesn’t make you a f@#kin doctor. It just means you know a lot about plants and watering Bok Choy in the 1200’s. Don’t get me wrong, if I ever come across someone who is breeding a fern with cilantro, you’ll be the first person I refer.
Honestly, I admire your passions but I really won’t give a s@*t about them. Yeap, not even to get laid. Sex is overrated anyway and I will never feign interest in global warming, the environment, social justice or the plight of the east Himalayan grey-breasted aardvark. I really don’t give a s–t … unless it tastes good. Then maybe … just maybe … I may join you on your planetary crusade if I can bring some hot sauce on our trip to the Himalayas. I put that s#@t on everything too!
Yeap, you heard me right. I like meat. So Vegans and vegetarians need not apply. Especially the type that don’t eat meat because its animal cruelty. I got news for ya honey … it’s not our fault God gave us opposeable thumbs and brains. We’re all part of the food chain, live with it. Ohhh, I know!! I have a great experiment! … let’s ship your ass off to the African safari and dump you there. When Leo the Lion gets wind of you, just show him your PETA membership and see what he thinks about that.
I don’t go to the gym, nor will I ever go to the gym. F@#k I won’t even drive by one. I also don’t care about fibre, phytochemicals or how many anti-oxidants the F@#kin Acai berry has. If it tastes good I’ll eat it. If it doesn’t, I’ll just marinate it in Buffalo wing sauce. See? I’m an easy date.
The environment … what’s with people trying to “save the Earth”?? Are you kidding me with this s*&t?? I got news for ya. The Earth is going to be just fine thank you very much. Why are we humans so arrogant to think that we have any bearing on the outcome of the cosmos? The Earth has been around for billions of years and will continue to do just fine waaaaay after we’re gone. It has survived some pretty serious and tumultuous s*&t over the ages. I doubt some f*%ckin plastic bags are going to be a threat.
Oh I know I know, plastic isn’t bio-degradeable. How do we know? A f#&kin WalMart plastic bag has only been around for about 30 years. And if it’s true and it doesn’t bio-degrade? Then I got a new paradigm for ya …. EARTH + PLASTIC.
Don’t contact me if you have kids who tell you what to do, or are a bunch of terrors. Ohhh they all mean the world to you I know. I’m sure they’re wonderful most of the time. But let me know if you need help disciplining them. “Oh come on Bobby, can you pleeeeaaase do your homework?” … let me help you with that with my approach … “Listen you little a–hole, if you don’t put that controller down and do your homework, I’m going to chop you in the throat” So? What do you think is more effective? “Oh, you’ve been bad, Time out!!” …. What?? How about “If you don’t stop doing that, I’m going to crack your head open with this Martha Stewart Casserole dish” I’ll guarantee my way is more effective. Ahh, who am I to say what the right way is. All I know is I love that Martha Stewart! That b–tch can do anything!
Seriously? You’d want me to take you on a date?
Catchy Opening Lines
- Is it a C or D? (reference to a bra size, if you didn’t get it 🙂 )
- How do you look like below the waist?
- Want to visit Quebec City all expenses paid?
- I am looking for a date for the Company Christmas party. I love Christmas. Do you?
Seriously, would you say that to any lady offline, like, in a bar? So why would you say that to someone online? Does that even work? That’s what I want to know.
And how is this for an opening line from someone claiming to be a police officer?
Then, there are some amazing photos that will melt any girl’s heart 🙂
But then, there are some people that I think need a bit more work on their killer smile. What do you think? 🙂
Ok, this photo reminds me of the Ikea furniture kit that comes with the instruction to assemble it yourself! Personally, I find close-ups of various body parts and headless torsos a bit creepy. But that’s just me.
There is really no limit to awkwardness. I love that George Costanza pose. Ha ha.. If those are their best shots, imagine what their worst shots would look like. 🙂
I am SINGLE. And you gotta be bloody Awesome to change that.
If you liked these photos, check out my other post with photos of pets on dating sites.
These photos come with a hillarious profile too.
My vast collection of Hello Kitty dolls
So, if you’re already reading my profile Whoooah!!! Slow down girl. Can’t we just start off as friends first?
I guess I should start by telling you a bit about myself. But don’t want to bore you by dropping a bunch of flattering adjectives. No, I definitely think ADVERBS are the way to go: Boldly. Explosively. Decisively. Consequently. Accidentally. Therefore. Yeah biiiatches… “therefore” is apparently an Adverb.
Anyway, my name is Michael. I’m obviously ridiculously handsome and tall and pretty much oooze sexuality as well as humility. I’ve been described as: a “Man’s man”. A “Lady’s man”. A “Chimpanzee’s man”. “He did what?” “Do you have any idea how much that’ll cost!?!” “Hey – leave those penguins alone!” “Get him to put his pants back on!” And, “That’s the guy officer!”
…but enough about my last trip to the library.
I’m educated, employed and have my own car. It’s a Hot Wheels – but whatever. I still own it. (I also have the track – but you’d have to be pretty effing special to get me to let you try it out.)
Like most people I’ll probably claim to be passionate about music and my friends and family and good values and blah blabbity blah blah if it’ll get me a date. What? I mean – I totally love all that crap.
I’m pretty active. I like to stay in shape by frequenting various gyms throughout the city and picking fights with juiced-up body builders. Then running away. It’s great cardio and I’m actually putting this together as an DVD exercise series called “Fight or Flight”. Every advanced order comes with a free Bedazzler, so get in touch now!
On the serious side, I recently saw a psychiatrist to help me stop masturbating to the Princess Leia / Jabba-the-Hutt Star Wars scene. So I think I could finally be ready for something real and meaningful. (In case you’re wondering – I’m not a guy who objectifies hot women in metal bathing suits. I always masturbated to Jabba-the-Hutt. It always makes me cry when that terrible skank-princess kills him.)
I’m a very ambitious person, so if we end up getting married don’t expect me to be one of those husbands who quits his job so he can sit on the couch all day and play x-box while you work to pay the mortgage and also take care of the kids. I’ll definitely want to contribute by working at least 1 day per week as a masked crime-fighter. It’s also important for me to set a world record for number of nacho chips eaten in an hour so I can teach our kids about the importance of perseverance and a high-fat/high-carb diet. Also, I’m very passionate about doing positive things for society… like traveling back through time and righting wrongs, each time hoping the next leap will be the leap back home.
What am I looking for in a woman? Someone with personality, intelligence, and traffic-stopping good looks. Someone who speaks a minimum of 37 languages, dances tango professionally, has experience as a concert pianist, works as a Ninja for a major Japanese crime syndicate and has a super-power where she can either a) fly or b) make lightning bolts come out of her wrists.
OK… that might be a bit much, but someone who is more than just a pretty face and has some good things going for her in her life. I tend to prefer an active, driven girl who has her act together. I also need a girl with a great sense of humour so if you don’t like to laugh or can’t handle a bit of sarcasm then we probably won’t click. I guess there are a few other things… honesty… integrity… someone who isn’t constantly having a self-esteem crisis. Wait… do they even make that in women yet? I heard it was a new feature they were coming out with to compete with the iPhone. Maybe it’s not out yet?
I guess to sum it all up, someone who’s very down-to-earth and realistic about things… like me. Also someone who looks good underwater.
I think a good first date is always to kill a hooker or homeless person and see if we can bury the body. If you can get away with murder – you always know you’ll be a good couple.
Also, whatever we do – we should do it soon. Due to a weird clause in my eccentric Grandfather’s will, I need to get married to a super awesome chick before the end of the week. Otherwise, all his billions will go to my evil step-brother Snidely… and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna use the money to take over the world (I guess they kinda expected that when they named him ‘Snidely’). So, hopefully that’s enough time for us to get to know each other and make a quick decision about spending a life together. (I want 3 kids… 2 regular ones and a centaur.)
Here is another interesting Profile.
Sweet baby Zeus,
Thank you for my daily apple, cute kitten videos, and the latest Fück Buttons album. It doth rock mightily.
Please arrange for a clever girl to find and message yours truly. Let her be pretty and pleasantly scented, with a level of wit just shy of my own. A muse — sweet and shapely — to share this passion for music, nature, art and the occasional cartoon.
And should you find it in your Olympian heart to tweak the cosmos just so, let her be intelligent and somewhat well read – so that she might know the difference between your and you’re; piqued and peaked; there, their and they’re.
May she have a sense of humour, and a finely curved bum.
I will be of chivalrous manner, opening any pickle jar that she cannot. We’ll travel and attend a thousand concerts and summer festivals. Analyze zombie movies at length. Stroll through art galleries, nudging each other when spotting ugly babies.
We’ll enjoy life and its details — and consider comfy pajamas as sacred vestments.
Here is a super descriptive profile. How can you not fall in love with good looking handsome guy? 🙂
Saying “Hi” to someone on a dating site is like walking through a mine field. It sometimes triggers bizarre responses.
Here is another gem of a conversation… and the guy wasn’t even joking. A rare breed I must say. (Click to zoom)
Here is another one – a real Charmer on a Budget!
For starters, I don’t live in Toronto. I just visit sometimes. So this means I’m only accessible to you when I’m in town….
As for personality, you should be laid back and easy to talk to. You should also have a certain level of enthusiasm when we get together. So if you had a bad day/week and that’s the reason you’re so quiet and unresponsive, sorry, not my problem.
I’m interested in meeting someone who wants to spend time together on a non-serious basis. What this means is that we get together once in a while, hang out and have wild backbreaking sex. Some of you might not like this and assume that all I want is sex. Let’s put it this way, the better your personality the more I will want to be with you for reasons beyond sex.
Again, I want to emphasize, I don’t want a serious relationship. At most we can quasi-date, with minimal money spent – I have a $10 per date limit, which I raise to $15 if you’re extra nice. But hey, all that matters is the company right? And on that note you shouldn’t care what I do for a living. All you need to know is that I’m a big boy and I can take care of myself.
Apparently, many women assume that all these society norms should be followed before doing what they naturally want to do. I ask myself, where are the real women? The ones who think and act for themselves. Experience has taught me that they are few and far between.
Myself, I’m a borderline genius who likes to analyze situations. This means I sometimes go off on tangents. But we all have our quirks, and none of us are perfect, although some are closer to perfection than others.
Here are some Special Requests.
Sexting is now a norm on the dating sites and if you don’t engage, you will be labelled boring.
Very often conversation starts normally and then you get an answer like this “I like shopping, movies, fucking, reading”.
Ahhh… wait a minute – What? Did he just threw fucking into the mix to see how I’ll react?
Those guys that change their tune, after you stop playing their game, are the most dangerous. They turn into complete psychos.
Here is another disturbing exchange.
However, to be fair, I’ve heard girls are not behaving any better on the dating sites either. A recent article on dailymail.co.uk called “Rise of the ‘rinsers’: Meet the women trawling the internet for rich men to fund their extravagant lifestyles” speaks for itself.
By now, I am starting to doubt those stories from people that claim that they’ve found THE ONE on the dating site. I suppose its a number game. “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince”. But who wants to kiss frogs? 🙂
If you are using dating sites, I’d love to hear your stories – what your experience has been like so far? Is it mostly a Hit or a Miss?
Image credits: plentyoffish.com and lavalife.com